Well, here we are again, over a year since I last updated this blog and a lot has changed in that time. I still don't have anyone really following this, but who cares; it helps to get things out in the open and talk about them just to deal with the issues at hand.

I have been working in a good job for the Department of Defense and it has treated me well, if at least not monetarily speaking then at least with a peace of mind that I have a job for awhile, unless SEC DEF Gates has his way, then who knows what kind of cutbacks we will have to endure. Also, I work another job for an employer who ships packages. They will remain unnamed because with as much information as I have presented in this blog who knows what might be drug up and I prefer to have at least some anonymity throughout the process. I have since continued to see the same girl for the last two and a half years, and honestly, I'm tired of it. Not seeing the girl in the sense that she isn't worth it, but I know that I'm not going to marry her but am too chickenshit to just end it and get the pain over with. I know it sounds stupid, but she's too nice for me just to destroy her world like that. She is head over heels in love with me, but I don't know if I feel the same way about her. She is the kindest, sweetest person you'd ever want to meet, but her physical stature doesn't meet my expectations for someone I want in a mate. Heartless I know, but that's the long and short of it.

I'm tired of working two jobs, tired of paying of these bills I have, and just plain tired of working my ass off and getting nowhere for it all. I feel like I have so much more to give, so much more to do that I'm not being paid what I'm worth. But maybe therein lies the problem. Our society is becoming so narcissistic that everyone is becoming to feel entitled to things. "I graduated from college therefore I deserve a good steady job with benefits and a six-figure salary. I can sing therefore I should be a superstar, I can write so I should be able to publish whatever I want..." It's all bullshit, and reality is the real decision maker in it all. Do I feel entitled to a good paycheck and benefits? Not really, but I would like to think that I at least possess the ability to make more money and be able to properly support myself, and God willing, someone else down the line. But I'm not getting any younger and my body can only take so much punishment and abuse. That of course is the problem: I have handed it so much work and abuse over the last decade that I wonder how much of my life I have already spent and have left.

I have drank myself to oblivion too many times to count, filled it with so much nicotine that even a draught horse would be addicted to it, and indulged myself in so many pleasures of the flesh that I'm surprised I don't have any children or an STD to show for it. But where has it gotten me? I live in a one bedroom apartment on the north side of a capital city, in the cheapest apartment complex that one can afford in this area surrounded by illegal immigrants, which I must say, most of them have a work ethic that I would give my left nut to have. That's not to say that I'm not dedicated to the jobs that I have, but I wish for more time off and vacations that they could only dream about long after they'd destroyed their bodies just to make due and provide for their families.

My family is the greatest on Earth, I know I am biased in that respect, but who could ask for more loving parents that I have given everything they have only to watch me barely keep my head above water...My sister is a nutcase dealing with problems that are too numerous to even begin to explain putting them in a sticky situation in having to deal with her problems as well as their own that they currently find themselves in, and yet here I am being the rock for which they base what little they have left of their sanity. I love my parents with every ounce of my being and still, after all these years, cannot bear the thought of ever losing them. However, life goes on, and I know that eventually they will no longer be on this Earth...and the thought scares the shit out of me. I know that I will be able to deal with it when it does happen, but my sister will not, and I don't know how to deal with that. Crazy to think that I could deal with my parents death but not with the reaction that my sister will have. Life has a funny way of putting these problems in front of you to deal with, and how many of us simply push them to the side and only confront them when we have no other recourse..."Who knows what you have said to the walls in your room in the night when the darkness of your bauers close in around you." Or something like that...

I have grown as an adult, but yet still view myself as a child as the new year rolls around. There are things I have still not learned that life will only be able to teach me, and lessons I still do not fully appreciate even though I am taught time and time and again their hard learnings. My friends, I know that this all sounds like someone with severe ADD, but these are just a few of the problems I find myself in and with, and wish only for them to continue to work themselves out and hopefully for the better, for I wish to not find myself in this situation as 2012 rolls around, or who knows what might happen for me in the future...

Not that anyone actually reads this, at least anymore, what with my nearly 2 subscribers...I don't know why I really came back to check on this blog. It's been about a year and a half since I last put any posts in it, but after reading some of the old stuff it got me laughing--laughing and thinking that I'm impressed at myself if I can still laugh at my own jokes. I started this blog as a way to vent my frustrations of college and booze and women because at the time I didn't really have an outlet. Sure I may have had a roommate, but he was a real Douchy the Hedgehog type of guy...well that should be all I have to say on that. The most unsettling part of reading old posts is finding that I'm not really any further along than I thought I would be after accomplishing some of the goals that I had set for myself all those years ago. I've at least moved out of Lafayette and down to Indianapolis but my job is still in Lafayette...waiting on a background check for a new one more local but no word as of yet...Still on the brink of financial collapse but hey, it's been that way for some time at least I've learned to adapt to it. But at least I finally have a stable, mature relationship with a great person. I wouldn't say she's the one but she's the one for right now at this particular moment in my life. Hell if it wasn't for he I wouldn't have a place to live. So I guess, other than not having financial security, and having a job I have to travel an hour and fifteen minutes for (one way!) isn't the greatest, but life could be much worse...I could live in Kansas...

So here I sit, yet another year has gone by, and I keep wondering to myself when things will finally change for me. I don't know, but I really hope that something good is in the works. I have a resume in for a job in project management/field engineering, so that might turn something up, not to mention the fact that I've put my application in at quite a few law schools, so who knows? I guess I'd just have to say right now that my biggest fear and issue is the fact that I am so completely buried in debt that my job right now doesn't even cover the bills that I have. I mean, I'm 26, and how pathetic is it that my parents still have to give me money to support myself from month to month. I am really glad that they're willing to do that because I realize that there are not many parents out there that would help their children as much as mine have, but still, it makes me feel guilty inside using the money that they were saving up to buy a house, and now they have to use it so I can pay back my student loans. But at the same time, I really don't have a choice right now but to accept their help, because until something pans out soon, this is the position that I'm stuck in. More to follow later when I feel the urge to write more.

Yeah, so seriously, what the fuck was I thinking with starting a blog? I mean, here I am, over four years since I put the first post up, and the only comments I've gotten were from friends, bots trying to spam me, or ex-girlfriends that didn't appreciate the fond memories I had of them and the times we had together (read: sarcastic as hell). I guess it was originally started as a way to vent, but over time it grew into something that allowed me to express myself in writing--some way to get all the random shit spinning about in my head down and paper and make sense of everything that was, and is, going on at the time. But lately, well I just haven't had the motivation to keep this up. I guess there would me more interest on my behalf if I knew people were reading and enjoying, or at the very least some of the things I said/did was of some help or inspired someone, but I guess that's a bit of a reach with a personal blog such as this. So, what really is there to say now that we're on the eve of yet another Thanksgiving (my 26th on this planet) and yet I am still living on my own, in my own apartment in Lafayette, yet I still don't have a decent job to support my living, therefore my parents are having to pay some of my bills...not to mention the fact that I'm still going to try for law school next fall...I just really don't fucking know anymore where the hell this is all going...

Well, it's definitely been quite a while since I last posted anything on this blog. A year brings a whole bunch of different things to the plate, and a lot of changes to life. My father recently went through both a bypass and pacemaker surgery, which was a little worrisome to me. Granted, he had good doctors and he's pulled through wonderfully, it just reminded me how fragile life really is. You know, I've been around death quite a lot in the last few years, seeing family and friends passing on, and I have to admit that I got quite numb to the whole thing. However, seeing my own father go through these things really hit home how close he is to me, and how I should really change my thinking on the subject, mainly because I don't really know what I'd do if I didn't have him around. On a happier note, I've finally graduated from Purdue. Took quite a long time, but it finally happened, and honestly, I don't know what to do now. I had planned on going to law school this fall, but that didn't quite pan out, mainly because with all the things going on, I unfortunately got many of my applications in a little too late. But you know, maybe that's for the better because I don't know if I was really ready for a commitment like that. Law school is not easy, and I'm not exactly in the best frame of mind for that at this moment. So, it looks like I'll be taking a year off from school, and try again next fall with a fresh mind and more motivation about the whole situation. Still don't have a girlfriend, but you know what, that's really for the best because there's no one around here that would be worth my time, much less anyone that I would be able to tolerate for a long time. That's not to say that I haven't been having a blast with the wrong girls; it has been a good time, and interesting to say the least...but I'll save those details for later. For now, I just needed to update some things, and really get these things off my chest.

So I was just looking, and I can't believe that I've had this blog for almost three years now. That's pretty fucking impressive seeing as how I can't even commit to doing something for more than a couple hours usually. Anyways, the semester is about a third over, which means that I'm that much closer to finishing my college career. It's about damn time I tell you. When I started college, you know, back when dinosaurs ruled the earth, I thought I was gonna be done two years ago, but thank you Purdue! After leaving the Air Force Academy and trying to transfer, Purdont accepted so many of my credits that I was a freshman all over again (if you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm). Purdue's administration has got to be one of the worst I've ever had to deal with. It is truth in action that the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. It's gotten to the point that most everyone in the admin building knows me by name because I've had to come and yell at them for some reason or another over the last three years. But soon enough that will all be over, and it will be time for me to finally join the real world, or rejoin it if you've kept up with the blog and know what I'm talking about. Anyways, this was just a quick update to vent to some frustration and get things in the open. I'll write more whenever I get to it.

Today is a rather significant day is it not? It's been five years since America was the recipient of an attack that has killed more civilians than any other terror attack in our short but significant history. I know that a majority of people out there can remember exactly where they were and what they were doing when this happened. I myself was a member of the armed services and stationed in Colorado Springs, a place where, funny enough is on the top ten list of nuclear targets. This is a list which the US government has ranked specific significant targets that would be likely to be targeted during a nuclear war. Now, I wasn't worried about the idea of nuclear war, nor was I worried about a terror attack, unlike my family who tirelessly tried to get in touch with me that entire morning. Now I will spare you the exact details of that morning, which incidently are insignificant, but the fact that I sit here looking back on everything that has happened since that time. I thought I would be out of college and fighting the good fight overseas, but my voluntary separation from the military put that on the back burner, at least for the moment because that thought is still strong in my mind. I feel as if there is still a lot that I owe this country that has given me so much, and I must do everything I can to give back. I know that this post is a lot more intro-spective and non-sarcastic, but on this day there is no purpose to comments such as those.
I may not support Bush, but unfortunately he is our president, and as such, we must support his decisions, if not 100%. I support the troops in the field because they need as much support as the American public can give. Otherwise we will have a very unmotivated fighting force and one driven to personal self destruction as many of those were in Vietnam. So what am I saying? I'm saying that no matter what is going on the country right now, one must understand that even though you are an individual, you are still part of a greater whole, the American society. Support the fighting men and women, support the government, go out and vote, and take a part in the society of which you live. Otherwise, you don't have to live here, it's just that simple. To quote the late JFK, "Ask not what you're country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."