So I was just looking, and I can't believe that I've had this blog for almost three years now. That's pretty fucking impressive seeing as how I can't even commit to doing something for more than a couple hours usually. Anyways, the semester is about a third over, which means that I'm that much closer to finishing my college career. It's about damn time I tell you. When I started college, you know, back when dinosaurs ruled the earth, I thought I was gonna be done two years ago, but thank you Purdue! After leaving the Air Force Academy and trying to transfer, Purdont accepted so many of my credits that I was a freshman all over again (if you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm). Purdue's administration has got to be one of the worst I've ever had to deal with. It is truth in action that the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. It's gotten to the point that most everyone in the admin building knows me by name because I've had to come and yell at them for some reason or another over the last three years. But soon enough that will all be over, and it will be time for me to finally join the real world, or rejoin it if you've kept up with the blog and know what I'm talking about. Anyways, this was just a quick update to vent to some frustration and get things in the open. I'll write more whenever I get to it.

Today is a rather significant day is it not? It's been five years since America was the recipient of an attack that has killed more civilians than any other terror attack in our short but significant history. I know that a majority of people out there can remember exactly where they were and what they were doing when this happened. I myself was a member of the armed services and stationed in Colorado Springs, a place where, funny enough is on the top ten list of nuclear targets. This is a list which the US government has ranked specific significant targets that would be likely to be targeted during a nuclear war. Now, I wasn't worried about the idea of nuclear war, nor was I worried about a terror attack, unlike my family who tirelessly tried to get in touch with me that entire morning. Now I will spare you the exact details of that morning, which incidently are insignificant, but the fact that I sit here looking back on everything that has happened since that time. I thought I would be out of college and fighting the good fight overseas, but my voluntary separation from the military put that on the back burner, at least for the moment because that thought is still strong in my mind. I feel as if there is still a lot that I owe this country that has given me so much, and I must do everything I can to give back. I know that this post is a lot more intro-spective and non-sarcastic, but on this day there is no purpose to comments such as those.
I may not support Bush, but unfortunately he is our president, and as such, we must support his decisions, if not 100%. I support the troops in the field because they need as much support as the American public can give. Otherwise we will have a very unmotivated fighting force and one driven to personal self destruction as many of those were in Vietnam. So what am I saying? I'm saying that no matter what is going on the country right now, one must understand that even though you are an individual, you are still part of a greater whole, the American society. Support the fighting men and women, support the government, go out and vote, and take a part in the society of which you live. Otherwise, you don't have to live here, it's just that simple. To quote the late JFK, "Ask not what you're country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

As you can tell, I haven't kept up, but then again, I haven't exactly kept up with this thing over the last few years. Anyways, been a bit of a long summer, but short at the same time. Finally moved into the new place, but still waiting to be fully settled, but in order to do this I need to get some more stuff and then I can be fully moved in. Spent some time in Arkansas and Georgia this summer, and last week I just got back from London, England. That was quite a trip, but let me tell you, it's not until you leave this country that you really begin to appreciate it. London is a really fun city, and there's nothing you can compare it to over here, really nothing...Although imagine a city that has everything to do, but is full of all kinds of different people. And not like any city over here, but a city full of Italians, Germans, Japanese, Africans, Australians, and every other kind of people on the face of the planet. It's good, but it's also annoying. We're used to our elbow room over here in America, but over there, they're used to tight quarters, and if you don't like people being right up in your shit, then it might not be the place to go. Anyways, enough bitching, but if you get the chance to vacation in a foreign place, do it. It's a little expensive, but definitely well worth the money for the fun, and just the exposure to different places. That's all for now, I'll update again when I get the chance.

So, here's another attempt to try and keep up with things in this blog, not that it's anything popular and has a lot of readers, but we'll see what happens. I've had this blog since the fall of 2003 and so many different things have happened since that time. I've seen three relationships come and go, changed majors, seen friends come and go, and yet I'm still here. I hope one day I understand the reason why I've gone through as much as I have in this short time. A man of my age should not have had to live as much as I have in these past years. But I guess it's all "character building" or some shit like that. If this is character building, I want to have none of it. But then again, some of it was worthwhile. Which parts I'm not exactly sure yet, but some of it was fun. I'm just ready to get this part of my life over with.
I know, I've talked about how much I've enjoyed my time here at Purdue, and I have, but it's time to move on. I can't keep spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. It's time to get my life on track and make a difference, however large or small it may be.
One day I would eventually like to start a family, but I don't see it starting anytime soon. That's really only because I'm so damn picky about who I date that it's going to take an extraordinary girl to finally tie me down. I've made my mistakes in the past, but I've also had relationships with some really good girls, but something always happened and it wasn't meant to be. I figure that's the way it was supposed to be. If it didn't work out, then it was fate. But those were good things, because it allowed me to see what I do want, and what I don't, in an eventual mate for myself. It's also allowed me to look at myself and see what my faults and weaknesses are and work on them. So all in all it wasn't wasted time, it just seemed like it until you take the time to step back and view it with an unbiased opinion.
Granted I know it sounds like I'm rambling, and I probably am, but fuck it, this is my blog and I can write whatever the hell I want. SO there asshole! Just kidding, but I just need to get some personal shit off my chest every now and then, and this is one of the best places to do it. Some people know me, and that I write on this, and others have no idea, so it's nice to have a certain measure of anonimity, allowing me to write and communicate my ideas, whether they're read or not. So I think on that note I'll end here, with a quote from Abraham Lincoln, the day after he woke up with a hangover and wrote the Emancipation Proclamation. "I freed who?!"

Well, so much for trying to keep up with current things on this blog. It doesn't help when your hard drive to your computer decides to take a shit on you without warning. Oh yeah, real fucking fun when you're thinking to yourself, "OK, I have 6 years of important info on this hard drive, is there any way I can get it back?" Turns out there is, but you have to pay over $600 dollars for it, and that's not even a guarantee. What kind of horseshit is this? So I'm gonna hope that I friend of mines' dad can do something for me, otherwise I'm pretty well fucked. I gotta tell you, this shit has really put a wrench in the works. If I didn't need a computer at my place it wouldn't be a big deal, but I do. And it's a pain in the ass to walk 10 minutes across campus just to check my email and hopefully do some work, so that I have to schedule my life around the open lab hours. Fucking stupid computers, sometimes I wish we were still using typewriters.
What else is going on...oh it was funny, the other night a girl asked me why I wasn't in a relationship. I told her it's because that unless a girl is special, I can't stand her more than a couple months if I'm dating her. If I'm not dating, then well there are plenty of special circumstances. She said that was a shame and that I was a really nice guy and seemed like I had a lot to offer. That's a nice compliment, but I knew that even though this girl was attractive, if I would've said anything past our conversation, it would've gone nowhere. I'm talking about asking out here you slow-assed morons. When a girl gives you a compliment like that, she's just polishing your ego, and probably has some like for you, but in that friend/brother way. What she doesn't tell you is that she really likes to date the guys that treat her like shit and beat her, she considers them a challenge, and wants to try to change them, the problem is that she really does want the nice guy, but she doesn't figure that out until she's married with about three kids and her alcoholic husband comes home from banging her best friend and beats her with a socket wrench and then goes after the kids with the drill shouting, "If you thought what I did to your mother was bad, wait until I screw you over!" You see, no one thinks of these things far enough ahead in advance, and it leads to nothing but shitty and unhappy people. So listen to me girls, both the good ones and the shallow "pretty" bitches that are as dumb as a box of rocks: The nice guys are worth it, give them the chance and they will show you a thing or two, and you will be much happier, rather than going for the quick fix. Believe me on this, I've been through enough relationships to know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Well, to keep all you assholes updated as to the goings-on around here, there really isn't too much to report. Although I wonder something. If a girl you like is seeing someone else, is it bad when you're doing everything you can to start a breakup? Morally I would say that is wrong, but when you know, you just know that you and her have more in common than the current shit-stain she's with, and that you would treat her better, wouldn't you be partial to thinking that it would be in her best interest to end that relationship so she might enjoy a better one? That and the fact that the current relationship she is involved in is a so-called "long distance" relationship makes it more and more apparent that things should be ended so that a new relationship can advance. But on the same token, if I could get what I wanted without the breakup or the current boyfriend knowing anything, then what is the harm? Some of these questions may have clear-cut answers, but others are merely rhetorical in nature. I think what I have to ask myself is "is it worth it"? As a good friend once told me, "boyfriends are merely hurdles in the race of relationships". This may sound like bullshit advice, but when you get right down to it, it's really not. If you think of it in a sense that at a certain age many girls think they know what they want, but in actuality they really don't. They have some idea of stability, a career, etc etc. But in essence they have no idea, hence why many girls stick with shitty boyfriends simply because they give them stability if nothing else. While many of us wish for stability and routine in our lives to make us feel comfortable, the more enjoyable notion of change and non-routine is really what we strive to have. For if in a relationship things get boring and routine, there is more of a chance of a breakup than an actual connection and enjoyment in life overall. Myself particularly, at the age that I am at, as well as all the shit that I've gone through in my life; these things have prepared me for a good relationship, all I simply need is the chance. Many ask why I am not attached at the moment, and at times I feel it is as if I have standards that are too high. But on the same token I do not want to settle. When people settle they are unhappy. Life is not about the end of the trip, but it is all about the journey. I know that sounds cliche, but it really is true, and it's taken me the better part of my life to figure that out. Growing up I made many plans, hoping that my life would just follow the mold I had set, but it has not, and I don't know of anyone in which it actually has. But the upside to that is that I have enjoyed my life a lot more. I know that I bitch and complain about a lot of things, but if it wasn't for things always happening in my life, then I would be one hell of a boring person, like many of those that I personally know that I simply unhappy. There are always challenges, and always changes to be made in one's life, but the journey is the more honorable and more enjoyable path to take. I look forward not the end of my life, but to the many things that will happen.
I have a friend who will not talk to girls. Well, let me rephrase that, he is afraid of the ones that he feels are "out of his league". He asks me how I know, and have dated quite a few, of the ones that he thinks are out of my league. I tell him, "life is too short to sit and be a spectator". You never know how a girl is going to respond to you until you go and talk to them. If you never take the chance you'll never know. And honestly, what's the worst thing they will say? No...big fucking deal, life is full of disappointment, and at sometime you need to get over the juvenile aversion to rejection. Sure, not every girl out there is going to like you, but you just never know. For instance, here at Purdue, there are very few gorgeous girls. There are many good-looking ones, but hardly any that really take your breath away. And those that do are usually taken by assholes that have looks but no personality, but these girls don't care because there are generally shallow in nature, and only want to have the "good-looking" couple status. In my opinion that's bullshit. I went down south a few weeks ago and spent a good amount of time in places like the University of Arkansas, University of Georgia, and the University of Alabama. If these girls from Purdue were to spend some time down there, the "gorgeous" ones would realize they are common-place there. The point I'm trying to make is that down there, because there are so many more attractive girls that you see guys who shouldn't have a chance have the most beautiful women on their arms. It's because that they are not hung up on looks, as many are up north, and really understand the importance of happiness in a relationship, rather than the stigma of a pretty couple. I feel that many girls, mainly between the ages of 18-24 need to get their heads out of their ass. The simple fact that girls feel they need to date a man in his upper 20's to early 30's simply because they have more stability is a bullshit reason. They need to think about why those guys are single in the first place. If a man is at that age and is not attached, there is a reason, and it's one that these girls will unfortunately find out, hopefully not too late.

Almost a month, and finally a new post. Wow, I'm really on top of things, NOT! I finally got shit together with Purdue. I'm able to take an online course which will fulfill my one class requirement to graduate in December. I'm still taking a full load in the fall, but with this class I won't have to stay around for another semester to polish off one more class. I can't fucking belive my advisor was such an idiot when it came to this. "Everything is OK" she said, "you shouldn't have to worry about a thing". What a dumb bitch. Oh well, I got my licks in when I was talking to her about a week ago concerning all this shit. After I told her that I was the one taking the classes and paying her salary she pretty much shut the hell up and listened to what I had to say. "Oh, well just keep me informed of what you're going to do." Yeah, all I need her for is to sign the paperwork. I swear I can do a better job of an advisor than she has.
Anyways, in other news, the rents still have not received a settlement, of course the insurance company is taking their time and pulling every possible string to drag this out, hoping that my parents will give in and accept whatever amount the company is willing to give; good thing my 'rents are hard-headed and will accept nothing less than the full amount of what they are owed under their old policy, so we'll see how long this whole deal drags out. So far we're at four and a half years and counting. Thanks to a stupid fucking lawyer and a pain in the ass settlement process. Although, should my parents have done their homework, this shit could've been taken care of no longer than a year and a half past the date of the accident if they would've gotten someone that was versed in insurance law, and not someone that primarily dealt with civil law, but that's what you get when you take the advice of people who don't know what they're talking about. I know it's not fair to that family friend, it wasn't her fault; she recommended someone else, but he wasn't in the business of insurance law, and said that was his firm's partner, who ended up being the dumb bitch that is currently representing my parents. Oh well, it's always nice to know that I'm more informed about insurance law than she is, so I can keep on her ass about things.
So we'll just see how this summer pans out and how my future plans fall into place. So essentially I'll be in one of two places next fall, either somewhere nice for law school, or sitting over in the sandbox doing my duty for my country...I have quite the decision to make.

So here I am, recovering from another semester at Purdue. I thought that by December it would be all over for me, but that might not be the case. And this time, it's not my fucking fault. I need one class in particular to graduate as a requirement for my major. I was going to take it this summer and get it out of the way, but what happened?...Because of low enrollment the university decided to cancel the class. That's right, cancel my fucking class that I fucking need to fucking graduate and get on with my fucking life! Can I take it in the fall? Maybe, but seeing as how the class is already full and there are over 20 people on the wait list, short of hooking myself out to the prof will I be able to get into that class. So how fucking ironic is that? First I transfer to Purdue after two years at the Air Force Academy. Purdue only accepts less than half of my transfer credit, pretty much making all the classes that I had taken worthless, and starting me back out as a freshman. So, five years later, and a hell of a lot more hassle, I may have the graduation that I've been looking forward to for a few years now pushed back another semester because of one class! One little fucking insignificant class! I am really starting to hate this school more and more...

Well, here again I find myself at the end of another semester, and a long while since I last updated, but then again, not like many people read it, but it is an important outlet for me whether or not most of the stories here are true or not. But about 90% are true, some of the details have been changed to reflect emotion rather than actual events and what not, but fuck all that.
This past weekend was Grand Prix here at Purdon't. It was an interesting experience for myself because this is the first year where I've actually been able to participate in the week-long events. I was in engineering the previous two years and during that week there are always exams, papers, technical reports, labs...the list goes on. So by the time the weekend comes around, you just really want to sleep rather than party. However now being in political science, I was able to enjoy myself completely. The typical breakdown was a week long bender, and while many of the nights were either blacked-out or just a haze, it was a great time. The biggest thing was breakfast club on Saturday morning. After starting my bender at 2 on Friday afternoon, I drank straight through until about 6 in the morning on Saturday. I then got a quick 2 hour nap, got dressed in my white trash/redneck getup and proceeded to continue to drink myself into oblivion. And then after another afternoon nap, I drank again Saturday night and used all of Sunday as a recovery day. For those of you not in the know, Grand Prix is essentially a big go-kart race that they have every year. It's been going on since the 50's, and is a big highlight of college life every year. The more important part is that there are festivities going on all week and is just one big campus party. There's someone to do and places to see every night of the week. Breakfast club is something else though. During the fall Purdue has breakfast club every morning of home football games, and once on the Saturday of the Grand Prix race. Breakfast club is where the bars on campus open at 7 in the morning, and people wear the craziest shit out the bars to booze and sing along to shitty 80's music. It's quite the experience and recommend it to anyone because it is a Purdue only thing, there is no other campus in the country that has it.
In other news, I'm now seriously starting to contemplate my future after graduation. And I've pretty much narrowed it down to several options. Option number one is law school. Should I choose law school, I'm thinking about maybe Arizona State, or Duke, or even Florida International, mainly for their joint JD/MBA degrees, which would cost some money and take some time, but the payoff at the end would be worth it with a great job and a hell of a lot of money. The other options are either trying to get back into the Air Force and get a pilot slot which was my original plan after high school, and why I went to the Air Force Academy in the first place. If not the Air Force, then maybe the Army. What to do in the Army I'm not sure, but I know that I would want to go overseas and do my best to make the young guys come home to their family. I'm older, and it wouldn't be a big deal for me, I just have more concern for the young guys and their families. And if that doesn't happen, then I could always try for the Air Force or Army and go into the JAG program and become a lawyer in the military. I'm just not sure yet, all I know is that I want to be part of something bigger than myself, and one day have enough money to never have to worry about it again.
Now on the romantic front...there really isn't one haha. It's not that I've been striking out, it's just that I don't try. With all of my past fuck ups, I just don't feel the need to be involved right now. Sure it would be nice, but girls cost money and that's something I'm short on right now. That and it's just too much of a hassle. They always ask too many questions, over analyze everything, and are just generally a pain in the ass. Don't get me wrong, I love women, I just think that at this particular time in my life I need to have fun with them, and that's about it. Is that an asshole comment? Maybe, or maybe it's the fact that I'm tired of finding someone that might be relationship worthy and then getting fucked over because they can't make up their damn mind, or they get pissed because their not in my long term plans right now. I feel that it's important to get my life set and on track before I bring someone into it, it's just not fair to the other person if you can't support them in every way possible, and for me it's just not possible right now. I could be a big support, but what girls really need and want, I just can't provide. I guess I just need to find myself someone that is low maintenance and laid back about things, but fat chance of finding that here in the midwest, where every girl is looking for the long term thing and kids, and a house, blah blah blah. Or you find the girls that think the "older" guys are the ones they need to be going out with because "they really know how to treat a woman." Now let me explain why this idea pisses me off. First off, in any sense of the words man or woman, a person needs to have a great amount of life experience. And not just going through trials and tribulations, but truly understanding what it means to be called those things. For a woman, going through life and having a family and everything that goes along with that makes her a woman. For a man, seeing all the horrors that the world has to offer, and experiencing the joys of having a family truly makes a man. So in this sense, it takes quite some time for a person to become a man or woman. I've seen friends die in my arms, family die, and been party to many a horrible thing. However, I don't know the joy that my father knows of having a family and being successful, and riding with the ups and downs that all that has to offer, so in my opinion, I still am not a man, as are many of my generation, the same goes for the females of my generation. Suffice it to say that girls who have this idea that men older than them are better prepared is not necessarily true, and a moot point. Hell, I have to admit, if I was 30, of course I would be going with younger girls simply because women at that point are completely different than they are at the ages of 21-27 or so. But these are just my thoughts and opinions, and I'm damn sure that many females would not agree with me, but guys would. Anyways, the whole thing is just bullshit. People just need to be honest with themselves, and be who they are, and let the chips fall where they may rather than look to change things too much.
Oh well, it's the end of the semester, and time to shut myself in the apartment and study like a madman to get my grades up for finals.

Wow, it's been a bit since I last updated, but some decent shit has happened. Not anything fucked up...well too fucked up that is. Week before last was spring break, had an awesome time. A good friend of mine and I drove out to Colorado for the week. Let me tell you, that fucking drive sucks. 16 hours of driving time, plus another 1-2 hours for food and gas stops; 18 hours on the road, and over half that just in Kansas alone, I hate that fucking state. If a nuke was to drop on Kansas, I wouldn't be sad, I'd be happy, because then I'd have a reason to go around it. Anyways, break consisted mostly of eating fast food and drinking as much beer as humanly possible, but it also included some tourist activities such as: Royal Gorge Bridge, Garden of the Gods, Manitou Springs, and most importantly, the Coors Brewery in Golden. That was one of the best parts of the whole trip. Free beer at the end of the tour, and then a hop skip and a jump to several bars after that...drunker than monkies we decided to drive the half hour up to Boulder, where the University of Colorado is to see if we can hook up with any hippy college chicks. Nope, let me just say, that as far as the bars in Boulder are concerned, there was a whole 10 people at the bars we went to. No one was out, so we said fuck that, and drove an hour and a half (still drunk mind you) all the way back to Colorado Springs, only to hit up the liquor store before we got back to the hotel. I was surprised that neither one of us either got nailed for a public intox or a DUI the whole time we were out there. Now St. Paddy's Day was rather interesting. Driving around Colorado Springs, in a BMW, blasting Flogging Molly out the window got us some rather strange looks, but I didn't give a shit. If they're not Irish like me, then fuck 'em! Went to a bar called the Dublin House (which wasn't the best pub in town, that honor goes to Jack Quinn's right off of Tejon in downtown C-Springs. If you're ever there, I highly recommend it.) and proceeded to drink our happy asses off. After about 4 hours, 4 pitchers of green beer a piece, and 6 Irish Car Bombs, my buddy nailed our waitress in their bathroom, and supposedly I got a random slump buster, however I have no memory of this, so who really knows (I didn't find this out until the day after) but in our state we decided to call it an early night (it was around 9 and we had to be on the road back to Indiana in the morning), but we stopped by a liquor store on the way back to the hotel and got more Guiness, Jameson, and Bailey's and continued the party in the hotel room, even inviting some high school senior girls who were there for a basketball tournament to come party just for the hell of it. The girls didn't show up, but it was all good. We left the next day and that was that. Spent way too much money, but it was worth it for the fun we had. Anyways, back to school for me, one more fucking semester provided the school doesn't dick me over. Should that happen, look for my name in the papers...

You know, even though I post this blog in my AIM profile, I never get any comments on what I say, but then again the people that read are with me most of the time, so a lot of this shit isn't new to them. Whatever though, I'm not looking for validation from anyone, although sometimes I would think that it would be interesting to know what my friends thought about the random shit that I post. Again I find myself in a difficult situation, but then again my entire life has been nothing but tough times, so this is really nothing new, however as I find myself growing old I have different feelings over time. I tell myself that I will live with no regrets; take every day as it comes, but at the same time, I wonder about how things went in my past and wonder if there was anything different that I could've done. For instance, I wonder about the girls that have been a part of life, either long term or briefly (granted the longest relationship I was ever in lasted from just after Valentine's Day to before Christmas and it wasn't that good of a relationship) and think to myself if somewhere in there I might have passed up the one. But then I have to remind myself that if they were truly the one then they wouldn't be out of my life. The most recent ex that comes to mind was one with which I had a rather conflicted and long distance relationship. She was definitely something else. Couldn't cook worth a damn, but when it came to being caring and compassionate, she had that nailed down. I honestly felt like a full person when I was with her, but after the first two months she had doubts and we took some time off. Now, when she told me that I was her first serious relationship I should've ran, but call me a sucker for a great smile, I hung on to her. But several months after that we finally broke it off. Now the point to the story is that even though I got rid of her, we tried to remain friends, or rather she did. And even though she is with someone new, and I'm happy for her, part of me is glad she's not trying to get in touch, but another part of me wishes she would. Now that's fucked up for me, because usually when I toss someone aside, that's it; they don't get second chances, but I guess life is all about second chances, I just can't bring myself to be the first one to take the steps necessary to reestablish contact. And that is how it has been with all the remaining ones since her. I have one that I had a fling with last summer, and she has been trying to get in touch with me, but I just don't really have the guts to get in touch, mainly because I never really solidified how I felt about her after the things that happened this past summer. I know she'll probably read this, but I don't really have any secrets, the key is just to pull them out of me. The old me never really talked about emotions and how I felt, and I know that was the killing blow for several of my relationships, but what is it with women that they feel the need to poke and prod and find out every little detail about you, only to use it against you later on or feel the need to change you somehow into something they want, rather than what is good for you? I'll be the first to admit that I know a lot about women, but that still has me confused. My life has been a quandry of mistakes, my college career, my family, women, etc...the list goes on, but if it wasn't for those mistakes I wouldn't be the person that I am today. Now I'm sure the optimists would tell me to look on the bright side, but I'm not that kind of person, I'm a cynic and a realist. I love my life and everything about it, but I don't kid myself, and I don't trust everyone. It takes a lot to earn my trust, and the moment you betray that, you are done with me, and will never get it back. It I don't stand on my morals and ethics, then what kind of a person would I be?

You know, I can't remember the last time that I actually had a good night's sleep. It's been a while, and I wish I could have them a lot more. I lay in bed, wondering where the hell have I been in my life, where I'm going, and am I happy with who I am and what I am doing. And the sad thing is that I can't answer these questions, well other than the "where have I been". Eventually I give up on sleep, and sit in the chair on my porch and smoke cigarettes asking myself endless streams of rhetorical questions, all of which have no answer, or multiple ones, granted a rhetorical question is not supposed to have an answer, but I try anyway. I'm just really confused about where to go. I feel as if I'm heading in a good direction, but what other roadblocks are there that I need to think about; what other things are out there to hop up and stand in my way? But those aren't easy things to deal with because no one truly knows the future, and I don't want my life to be a series of checks on a sheet of things-to-do. I want to make my mark, but how...I want to find the right career, but how...I want to find the right woman when all I do is find the freaks and psychos...Even though the relationship idea isn't very high on the totem right now, it is still there in the back of my mind. People tell me they met "the one" in college; well my term is almost over and I haven't even found anyone close...I've just found a bunch that I wouldn't want, but I can take that as a learning experience. In retrospect, I wish I would've learned that engineering wasn't for me (at least at this particular time in my life, you never know when I might try to go back and finish it) because had that happened, I wouldn't be in a position where I love my major, but I have to really make grades in order to have something even resembling a decent GPA by the time I graduate, and that seriously bothers me. It bothers me to the point where I can't sleep at night wondering if I'm going to be flipping burgers or waiting tables for the rest of my life simply because I didn't have the best GPA. Now I know that those numbers aren't all that employers are looking for, but hell, they help a lot. Especially when someone like me is tempted to try and go to law school. If you don't have the GPA, you better damn well do a good job on your LSAT, otherwise you're fucked outright. But whatever...I just really need some guidance, and I have it, but I don't. The family is very supportive of whatever I do, but they just don't understand everything I'm going through, and that's where their support is appreciated, but is also worthless. I wish I had someone to talk to, someone to help me out that's been in my position and is somewhere good now that can give me all the little dirty insider secrets to help me out. Oh well, you never know what might happen in life down the road. There's always the military. It's a good thing that there's always plenty of people to kill...

Hi, my name is [insert name here] and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. Never has my life in college been summed up in a better paragraph. (And just for the record, that is not my original composition, but the intro into Tucker Max's new book, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.--which I really hope they do because I know I have my reservation on the bus, and if they don't, well then there's really no point in going right?) Anyways, I've been trying to get my head around some strange situations that have happened to me lately, and I've come to one very serious conclusion, the entire human race is completely fucked up. I mean, not a single one of us really ever has their shit together. There is always someone that screws it up; just when you think you have someone figured out, boom! they go and do something that makes your head spin and forces you to crawl into the bottle for comfort. Because as we all know, alcohol is the cause of and solution to all of life's problems. Here's something, everyone, and I mean everyone, has some kind of self-esteem issues. Now guys, we're generally very callous assholes, well the majority at least I can't speak for the welcome mat guys that let females walk all over them. But back to the point at hand. If a guy is interested in a girl, and maybe for only one night, being completely nice to her isn't going to get you all the way. You have to get to the self-esteem, then you've got it. Now don't take this as general advice, but it works, I've tried it. Essentially you poke at the self-esteem issues, "You look great, but you'd look even better if you dropped 5-10 pounds", or "I like you hair the way it is, but I like it better before." For some reason that kicks off a freak out like no other in their mind, and either they walk away from you, or they stay and try to get some validation out of you that there really isn't anything wrong with you, and the really fucked up ones end up really getting to want to know you. It's really sad that this shit works out this way, but sometimes girls, you are the ones getting played, not us. See I'm pretty much different than a lot of other people because I have no heart. Now, if you were to go into the archives of this blog and go back a couple years, I had one then, but as things progress and you read, then you'll see that I've eventually had it ripped out of my ass enough times that I don't have one anymore, hence I'll do whatever it takes to get even, get into bed with someone...well you get the point. Although you might be wondering, "this is just to make you feel good about yourself." Fuck you, I already feel good about myself. If I didn't, then I wouldn't be doing even half of the shit that I've pulled already. For instance last night, I met a girl for the first time. I was drunk, and after about 5 minutes of talking with her, I asked her, "So do guys really get off on that deep man-voice of yours?" And she laughed, and things went great. A couple years ago I would never have pulled that, I would've been afraid to get my balls ripped off by a she-bitch, instead, I've adopted the policy of fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. And if I've offended anyone, too bad. Life is too short to go around being pissed off at other people for your shortcomings. Enjoy everyday because you never know when you might walk out your front door on your way to McDonald's to get a burger, and you get run over by a cattle truck.

This going to be a short post, I don't really have much to say, just thought I would update the blog. Things have been really weird lately, I don't know if it's just because I'm getting older or what, but I don't look at things the same way anymore. I'm a bit more somber about life, a little more introspective, just really trying to get a grasp of all the things that have happened to me over the years, and how they have made me into the person I am today. I also question whether or not I like this new person...Maybe it's just my brain being overactive, or me thinking too much about things, I just have this overwhelming feeling that I need to get away from things. I need to step back, and pull myself away from all of this for a while and get my head on straight. A lot of my thoughts have been going over to all of my friends that are over in Iraq, and all the young men and women serving over there, and yet at the same time I feel like that's where I need to be, being someone that can take care of those kids so they can come home to their families and friends. I know that I have family and friends of my own, but lately it doesn't seem to matter that much to me, I care more for others than I do for myself. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal or anti-social, it's just how I have been feeling. I guess it stems from a feeling that I'm where I should be for the moment, so there's no need to worry for myself for the time being, so my feelings travel to other mediums. It's all really just confusing shit, especially for the one having to go through it, but whatever, life goes on. I'm also worried about how my future is going to play out. College is quickly coming to an end, and I really have no idea what I want to do with my life yet. I have options, but not one really stands out as the best, and it's rough because all my life I've been presented with options and always known the right road to take, and here I stand at a crossroads scratching my head and not knowing which way to go... I guess I'm tired of the head games, I'm tired of the bullshit, and I just want to be somewhere where things make sense, and right now, they don't, and it's really pissing me off. Almost to the point where I just want to be back on my own, with no one around, and just myself to depend on rather than some people that may say their your friends until something comes down the pike where they feel they can't be your friends, or if something happens, they still want you to be friends with them even when they know you can't trust them anymore. This is not about anyone specifically, but just how my track record has gone over the last decade or so. I know I may be young year-wise compared to a lot of people, but I have seen things, and done things that people my age should never have to go through or do; like my dad always said, it's not the years, it's the mileage.

So what do I have to say today? Not too much really. I was hoping this weekend would've gone better than it did, but you can't get everything you want. However I did help a friend out and supported him in his time of need, so I'm glad I was able to do that. It's a long story, and I don't really think that anyone else needs to know about it, so you can fuck off. Anyways, there were some big plans for this weekend. Was going to meet up with some old friends that came into town, but that didn't happen, and was going to have a great Saturday night, but I got sick, so that came to a screeching halt. And then Pittsburgh won, but it's good that I didn't give a shit about the Super Bowl because neither the Colts or the Bears were in it, so that doesn't bother me. What bothers me and keeps me up at night is the fact that my life in college is quickly coming to an end, and I need to get out into the real world; and that simple fact is terrifying. I won't lie, I'm not ready for it, but at the same time I'm ready to be done with college and get my career in gear, I just don't know where to go. I have so many ideas, so many such that I don't know where to go, I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels...Either way I have to figure something out otherwise I'm gonna be another college grad living in his parent's house with a mediocre job going nowhere. That's not gonna be me, come hell or high water I'm getting out of this bumbfuck state and getting a career, hopefully one that is rewarding. But we'll see, I still need to think about that kind of stuff. This is going to be a short post because today has been draining, and I have class in less than 7 hours, peace...

So, I found myself in a bit of insomnia last night, which begs the question, "why the fuck didn't I update this then?" I don't know, maybe the fact that I still had tons of booze in me, plus it was a shitty night, I didn't really want to post because that has gotten me in trouble in the past. On the other hand, when have I really cared what people thought? Although I did have a bit of an epiphany. I wondered why I never really wanted to get in back in touch with girls that I had either a relationship/dated. I realized it was because things always seemed to go bad, and if they didn't go bad, I never really had much of an interest in keeping in touch with that person. Sure at first it wasn't bad, but then the weeks go by and you don't talk, and you realize that you actually are a happier person because you don't continue to have that drama. For example, one of the first serious relationships I was in ended horribly. It was doomed from the beginning because it was a long distance relationship, but that was the furthest thing from my mind at the time. Anyways, I finally got over it, and it didn't bother me. Two years (or so) later, out of the blue I get an email from this slut/whore/bitch (insert appropriate adjective) telling me that she's found her new "true love", and that's she's married, knocked up, etc...so this begs the question, why the fuck do girls do that? It seems as if there's nothing but serious drama surrounding females, and there's really no way to get around it because I love girls to death, but for fuck's sake, can't anything just go normally and not get filled with bullshit? It's like kicking someone when they're down when an ex decides to interfere themselves with your life again. Now don't get me wrong, if things were mutual, and the breakup went fine, that's a completely different story, I'm talking about the fucking train wrecks that I've been involved in. Alright, enough of the ranting, but here's a piece of interesting trivia to ponder over...The last three girls I've seen, and that have gone off and dated other people, all dated someone that was 30 or damn near close...What...the...fuck...???As a good friend once told me, "the one thing you can look forward to in life is that every year you grow older, you're one more year closer to death."

So when I last left you, finals were coming to an end. I sit here now, trashed, and getting ready to go to class in the morning for the beginning of a new semester. Wow, what a way to ring in the new year huh? Anyways...I'm off probation, so no more bullshit pressure when it comes to academics, I can't fucking tell you how happy this makes me...I have a new love interest, but I'm not sure how to approach this one without fucking it up, but I'll keep everyone appraised of the situation, should it actually go anywhere...And as seeing how exes like reading this, I'm sure they'll be really happy at this...or not, whatever they're exes, that's the whole point right? Not like I'm trying to rip on them, they really are great girls, it's just that things went south, and lately (well for the last 3 years) that's what tends to happen with me. And it's not a nice breakup either, it usually ends in a fucking trainwreck, leaving me in the dark wondering "what the fuck just happened?" I don't know, my female problems are just waaaaaaaay to complicated to begin to even explain here, but I will say this...For any girl that knows me, chances are she'll say, "He's a real prick and an asshole, but when you really get to know him, he's a softy." But honestly, what guy wants that all spread around? Might just ruin my reputation, and yes, for all you naysayers, I do have a rep, and I can fucking give you the phone numbers and the people to talk you if there is any doubt! Wow...that was egotistical, but what is a man without his ego? Gotta have something in this world to get you through...My b-day was pretty awesome...A good friend from school came up, and we celebrated it with alcohol and titty bars, which might I remind you, can be a good and bad thing. Good because you get to see naked women doing things a normal girl wouldn't, bad in the sense that it reminds you of all the sex you're not getting. But hey, for making yourself feel better after a shitty day, they're worth it. Anyways, enough of my rambling, it's time to get in bed and get ready for my one class tomorrow, then a nap all day!! Hasta la vista bitches...