Hi, my name is [insert name here] and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. Never has my life in college been summed up in a better paragraph. (And just for the record, that is not my original composition, but the intro into Tucker Max's new book, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.--which I really hope they do because I know I have my reservation on the bus, and if they don't, well then there's really no point in going right?) Anyways, I've been trying to get my head around some strange situations that have happened to me lately, and I've come to one very serious conclusion, the entire human race is completely fucked up. I mean, not a single one of us really ever has their shit together. There is always someone that screws it up; just when you think you have someone figured out, boom! they go and do something that makes your head spin and forces you to crawl into the bottle for comfort. Because as we all know, alcohol is the cause of and solution to all of life's problems. Here's something, everyone, and I mean everyone, has some kind of self-esteem issues. Now guys, we're generally very callous assholes, well the majority at least I can't speak for the welcome mat guys that let females walk all over them. But back to the point at hand. If a guy is interested in a girl, and maybe for only one night, being completely nice to her isn't going to get you all the way. You have to get to the self-esteem, then you've got it. Now don't take this as general advice, but it works, I've tried it. Essentially you poke at the self-esteem issues, "You look great, but you'd look even better if you dropped 5-10 pounds", or "I like you hair the way it is, but I like it better before." For some reason that kicks off a freak out like no other in their mind, and either they walk away from you, or they stay and try to get some validation out of you that there really isn't anything wrong with you, and the really fucked up ones end up really getting to want to know you. It's really sad that this shit works out this way, but sometimes girls, you are the ones getting played, not us. See I'm pretty much different than a lot of other people because I have no heart. Now, if you were to go into the archives of this blog and go back a couple years, I had one then, but as things progress and you read, then you'll see that I've eventually had it ripped out of my ass enough times that I don't have one anymore, hence I'll do whatever it takes to get even, get into bed with someone...well you get the point. Although you might be wondering, "this is just to make you feel good about yourself." Fuck you, I already feel good about myself. If I didn't, then I wouldn't be doing even half of the shit that I've pulled already. For instance last night, I met a girl for the first time. I was drunk, and after about 5 minutes of talking with her, I asked her, "So do guys really get off on that deep man-voice of yours?" And she laughed, and things went great. A couple years ago I would never have pulled that, I would've been afraid to get my balls ripped off by a she-bitch, instead, I've adopted the policy of fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. And if I've offended anyone, too bad. Life is too short to go around being pissed off at other people for your shortcomings. Enjoy everyday because you never know when you might walk out your front door on your way to McDonald's to get a burger, and you get run over by a cattle truck.