Wow, it's been a bit since I last updated, but some decent shit has happened. Not anything fucked up...well too fucked up that is. Week before last was spring break, had an awesome time. A good friend of mine and I drove out to Colorado for the week. Let me tell you, that fucking drive sucks. 16 hours of driving time, plus another 1-2 hours for food and gas stops; 18 hours on the road, and over half that just in Kansas alone, I hate that fucking state. If a nuke was to drop on Kansas, I wouldn't be sad, I'd be happy, because then I'd have a reason to go around it. Anyways, break consisted mostly of eating fast food and drinking as much beer as humanly possible, but it also included some tourist activities such as: Royal Gorge Bridge, Garden of the Gods, Manitou Springs, and most importantly, the Coors Brewery in Golden. That was one of the best parts of the whole trip. Free beer at the end of the tour, and then a hop skip and a jump to several bars after that...drunker than monkies we decided to drive the half hour up to Boulder, where the University of Colorado is to see if we can hook up with any hippy college chicks. Nope, let me just say, that as far as the bars in Boulder are concerned, there was a whole 10 people at the bars we went to. No one was out, so we said fuck that, and drove an hour and a half (still drunk mind you) all the way back to Colorado Springs, only to hit up the liquor store before we got back to the hotel. I was surprised that neither one of us either got nailed for a public intox or a DUI the whole time we were out there. Now St. Paddy's Day was rather interesting. Driving around Colorado Springs, in a BMW, blasting Flogging Molly out the window got us some rather strange looks, but I didn't give a shit. If they're not Irish like me, then fuck 'em! Went to a bar called the Dublin House (which wasn't the best pub in town, that honor goes to Jack Quinn's right off of Tejon in downtown C-Springs. If you're ever there, I highly recommend it.) and proceeded to drink our happy asses off. After about 4 hours, 4 pitchers of green beer a piece, and 6 Irish Car Bombs, my buddy nailed our waitress in their bathroom, and supposedly I got a random slump buster, however I have no memory of this, so who really knows (I didn't find this out until the day after) but in our state we decided to call it an early night (it was around 9 and we had to be on the road back to Indiana in the morning), but we stopped by a liquor store on the way back to the hotel and got more Guiness, Jameson, and Bailey's and continued the party in the hotel room, even inviting some high school senior girls who were there for a basketball tournament to come party just for the hell of it. The girls didn't show up, but it was all good. We left the next day and that was that. Spent way too much money, but it was worth it for the fun we had. Anyways, back to school for me, one more fucking semester provided the school doesn't dick me over. Should that happen, look for my name in the papers...

You know, even though I post this blog in my AIM profile, I never get any comments on what I say, but then again the people that read are with me most of the time, so a lot of this shit isn't new to them. Whatever though, I'm not looking for validation from anyone, although sometimes I would think that it would be interesting to know what my friends thought about the random shit that I post. Again I find myself in a difficult situation, but then again my entire life has been nothing but tough times, so this is really nothing new, however as I find myself growing old I have different feelings over time. I tell myself that I will live with no regrets; take every day as it comes, but at the same time, I wonder about how things went in my past and wonder if there was anything different that I could've done. For instance, I wonder about the girls that have been a part of life, either long term or briefly (granted the longest relationship I was ever in lasted from just after Valentine's Day to before Christmas and it wasn't that good of a relationship) and think to myself if somewhere in there I might have passed up the one. But then I have to remind myself that if they were truly the one then they wouldn't be out of my life. The most recent ex that comes to mind was one with which I had a rather conflicted and long distance relationship. She was definitely something else. Couldn't cook worth a damn, but when it came to being caring and compassionate, she had that nailed down. I honestly felt like a full person when I was with her, but after the first two months she had doubts and we took some time off. Now, when she told me that I was her first serious relationship I should've ran, but call me a sucker for a great smile, I hung on to her. But several months after that we finally broke it off. Now the point to the story is that even though I got rid of her, we tried to remain friends, or rather she did. And even though she is with someone new, and I'm happy for her, part of me is glad she's not trying to get in touch, but another part of me wishes she would. Now that's fucked up for me, because usually when I toss someone aside, that's it; they don't get second chances, but I guess life is all about second chances, I just can't bring myself to be the first one to take the steps necessary to reestablish contact. And that is how it has been with all the remaining ones since her. I have one that I had a fling with last summer, and she has been trying to get in touch with me, but I just don't really have the guts to get in touch, mainly because I never really solidified how I felt about her after the things that happened this past summer. I know she'll probably read this, but I don't really have any secrets, the key is just to pull them out of me. The old me never really talked about emotions and how I felt, and I know that was the killing blow for several of my relationships, but what is it with women that they feel the need to poke and prod and find out every little detail about you, only to use it against you later on or feel the need to change you somehow into something they want, rather than what is good for you? I'll be the first to admit that I know a lot about women, but that still has me confused. My life has been a quandry of mistakes, my college career, my family, women, etc...the list goes on, but if it wasn't for those mistakes I wouldn't be the person that I am today. Now I'm sure the optimists would tell me to look on the bright side, but I'm not that kind of person, I'm a cynic and a realist. I love my life and everything about it, but I don't kid myself, and I don't trust everyone. It takes a lot to earn my trust, and the moment you betray that, you are done with me, and will never get it back. It I don't stand on my morals and ethics, then what kind of a person would I be?

You know, I can't remember the last time that I actually had a good night's sleep. It's been a while, and I wish I could have them a lot more. I lay in bed, wondering where the hell have I been in my life, where I'm going, and am I happy with who I am and what I am doing. And the sad thing is that I can't answer these questions, well other than the "where have I been". Eventually I give up on sleep, and sit in the chair on my porch and smoke cigarettes asking myself endless streams of rhetorical questions, all of which have no answer, or multiple ones, granted a rhetorical question is not supposed to have an answer, but I try anyway. I'm just really confused about where to go. I feel as if I'm heading in a good direction, but what other roadblocks are there that I need to think about; what other things are out there to hop up and stand in my way? But those aren't easy things to deal with because no one truly knows the future, and I don't want my life to be a series of checks on a sheet of things-to-do. I want to make my mark, but how...I want to find the right career, but how...I want to find the right woman when all I do is find the freaks and psychos...Even though the relationship idea isn't very high on the totem right now, it is still there in the back of my mind. People tell me they met "the one" in college; well my term is almost over and I haven't even found anyone close...I've just found a bunch that I wouldn't want, but I can take that as a learning experience. In retrospect, I wish I would've learned that engineering wasn't for me (at least at this particular time in my life, you never know when I might try to go back and finish it) because had that happened, I wouldn't be in a position where I love my major, but I have to really make grades in order to have something even resembling a decent GPA by the time I graduate, and that seriously bothers me. It bothers me to the point where I can't sleep at night wondering if I'm going to be flipping burgers or waiting tables for the rest of my life simply because I didn't have the best GPA. Now I know that those numbers aren't all that employers are looking for, but hell, they help a lot. Especially when someone like me is tempted to try and go to law school. If you don't have the GPA, you better damn well do a good job on your LSAT, otherwise you're fucked outright. But whatever...I just really need some guidance, and I have it, but I don't. The family is very supportive of whatever I do, but they just don't understand everything I'm going through, and that's where their support is appreciated, but is also worthless. I wish I had someone to talk to, someone to help me out that's been in my position and is somewhere good now that can give me all the little dirty insider secrets to help me out. Oh well, you never know what might happen in life down the road. There's always the military. It's a good thing that there's always plenty of people to kill...