You know, even though I post this blog in my AIM profile, I never get any comments on what I say, but then again the people that read are with me most of the time, so a lot of this shit isn't new to them. Whatever though, I'm not looking for validation from anyone, although sometimes I would think that it would be interesting to know what my friends thought about the random shit that I post. Again I find myself in a difficult situation, but then again my entire life has been nothing but tough times, so this is really nothing new, however as I find myself growing old I have different feelings over time. I tell myself that I will live with no regrets; take every day as it comes, but at the same time, I wonder about how things went in my past and wonder if there was anything different that I could've done. For instance, I wonder about the girls that have been a part of life, either long term or briefly (granted the longest relationship I was ever in lasted from just after Valentine's Day to before Christmas and it wasn't that good of a relationship) and think to myself if somewhere in there I might have passed up the one. But then I have to remind myself that if they were truly the one then they wouldn't be out of my life. The most recent ex that comes to mind was one with which I had a rather conflicted and long distance relationship. She was definitely something else. Couldn't cook worth a damn, but when it came to being caring and compassionate, she had that nailed down. I honestly felt like a full person when I was with her, but after the first two months she had doubts and we took some time off. Now, when she told me that I was her first serious relationship I should've ran, but call me a sucker for a great smile, I hung on to her. But several months after that we finally broke it off. Now the point to the story is that even though I got rid of her, we tried to remain friends, or rather she did. And even though she is with someone new, and I'm happy for her, part of me is glad she's not trying to get in touch, but another part of me wishes she would. Now that's fucked up for me, because usually when I toss someone aside, that's it; they don't get second chances, but I guess life is all about second chances, I just can't bring myself to be the first one to take the steps necessary to reestablish contact. And that is how it has been with all the remaining ones since her. I have one that I had a fling with last summer, and she has been trying to get in touch with me, but I just don't really have the guts to get in touch, mainly because I never really solidified how I felt about her after the things that happened this past summer. I know she'll probably read this, but I don't really have any secrets, the key is just to pull them out of me. The old me never really talked about emotions and how I felt, and I know that was the killing blow for several of my relationships, but what is it with women that they feel the need to poke and prod and find out every little detail about you, only to use it against you later on or feel the need to change you somehow into something they want, rather than what is good for you? I'll be the first to admit that I know a lot about women, but that still has me confused. My life has been a quandry of mistakes, my college career, my family, women, etc...the list goes on, but if it wasn't for those mistakes I wouldn't be the person that I am today. Now I'm sure the optimists would tell me to look on the bright side, but I'm not that kind of person, I'm a cynic and a realist. I love my life and everything about it, but I don't kid myself, and I don't trust everyone. It takes a lot to earn my trust, and the moment you betray that, you are done with me, and will never get it back. It I don't stand on my morals and ethics, then what kind of a person would I be?