Well, here we are again, over a year since I last updated this blog and a lot has changed in that time. I still don't have anyone really following this, but who cares; it helps to get things out in the open and talk about them just to deal with the issues at hand.

I have been working in a good job for the Department of Defense and it has treated me well, if at least not monetarily speaking then at least with a peace of mind that I have a job for awhile, unless SEC DEF Gates has his way, then who knows what kind of cutbacks we will have to endure. Also, I work another job for an employer who ships packages. They will remain unnamed because with as much information as I have presented in this blog who knows what might be drug up and I prefer to have at least some anonymity throughout the process. I have since continued to see the same girl for the last two and a half years, and honestly, I'm tired of it. Not seeing the girl in the sense that she isn't worth it, but I know that I'm not going to marry her but am too chickenshit to just end it and get the pain over with. I know it sounds stupid, but she's too nice for me just to destroy her world like that. She is head over heels in love with me, but I don't know if I feel the same way about her. She is the kindest, sweetest person you'd ever want to meet, but her physical stature doesn't meet my expectations for someone I want in a mate. Heartless I know, but that's the long and short of it.

I'm tired of working two jobs, tired of paying of these bills I have, and just plain tired of working my ass off and getting nowhere for it all. I feel like I have so much more to give, so much more to do that I'm not being paid what I'm worth. But maybe therein lies the problem. Our society is becoming so narcissistic that everyone is becoming to feel entitled to things. "I graduated from college therefore I deserve a good steady job with benefits and a six-figure salary. I can sing therefore I should be a superstar, I can write so I should be able to publish whatever I want..." It's all bullshit, and reality is the real decision maker in it all. Do I feel entitled to a good paycheck and benefits? Not really, but I would like to think that I at least possess the ability to make more money and be able to properly support myself, and God willing, someone else down the line. But I'm not getting any younger and my body can only take so much punishment and abuse. That of course is the problem: I have handed it so much work and abuse over the last decade that I wonder how much of my life I have already spent and have left.

I have drank myself to oblivion too many times to count, filled it with so much nicotine that even a draught horse would be addicted to it, and indulged myself in so many pleasures of the flesh that I'm surprised I don't have any children or an STD to show for it. But where has it gotten me? I live in a one bedroom apartment on the north side of a capital city, in the cheapest apartment complex that one can afford in this area surrounded by illegal immigrants, which I must say, most of them have a work ethic that I would give my left nut to have. That's not to say that I'm not dedicated to the jobs that I have, but I wish for more time off and vacations that they could only dream about long after they'd destroyed their bodies just to make due and provide for their families.

My family is the greatest on Earth, I know I am biased in that respect, but who could ask for more loving parents that I have given everything they have only to watch me barely keep my head above water...My sister is a nutcase dealing with problems that are too numerous to even begin to explain putting them in a sticky situation in having to deal with her problems as well as their own that they currently find themselves in, and yet here I am being the rock for which they base what little they have left of their sanity. I love my parents with every ounce of my being and still, after all these years, cannot bear the thought of ever losing them. However, life goes on, and I know that eventually they will no longer be on this Earth...and the thought scares the shit out of me. I know that I will be able to deal with it when it does happen, but my sister will not, and I don't know how to deal with that. Crazy to think that I could deal with my parents death but not with the reaction that my sister will have. Life has a funny way of putting these problems in front of you to deal with, and how many of us simply push them to the side and only confront them when we have no other recourse..."Who knows what you have said to the walls in your room in the night when the darkness of your bauers close in around you." Or something like that...

I have grown as an adult, but yet still view myself as a child as the new year rolls around. There are things I have still not learned that life will only be able to teach me, and lessons I still do not fully appreciate even though I am taught time and time and again their hard learnings. My friends, I know that this all sounds like someone with severe ADD, but these are just a few of the problems I find myself in and with, and wish only for them to continue to work themselves out and hopefully for the better, for I wish to not find myself in this situation as 2012 rolls around, or who knows what might happen for me in the future...